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No-Go on The New, No, ALL Cargos

May 17th, 2011 1 Comment


Mary Note: Andrew, I couldn’t agree with you more!

– Andrew Woj, Straight Guy’s Stylist

In this month’s edition GQ is heralding the comeback of The No-Bro Cargo while I still say that any type of pant worthy of an adjective should be a “no-go.”

For me, dubbing them the “No-Bro” cargo is laughable because I think of my three brothers who are proud wearers of cargo pants in the winter and cargo shorts in the summer.  The problem with telling guys it’s OK to wear cargo pants is the fact that they’re not going to seek out the fashion forward pairs from Ralph Lauren or Uniqlo.

But even still, the designer styles that attempt to look more sleek and sophisticated look silly, in my opinion.

If the style factor is out then what is the purpose of the pockets? As men, we’re practical people.  I can’t think of a common situation that calls for such a utilitarian pant with such slim pockets!  What on earth could you put in those saddle bag pockets — pens, paperclips, maybe force in a stapler?

Obviously I’m kidding, but NOT about cargo pants.  The traditional relaxed style, even though they’re comfy, looks sloppy and the more formal approach is pointless AND unattractive.

So hear me loud and clear – unless you’re lounging around the house or making a beer run for the game: NO-GO on the cargos!

  • This is a true story. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. When I was engaged, my fiancee tried every trick in the book to get me to buy a pair of cargos. Specifically, a pair of classic khaki colored cargos. Now, if there are children in the room, please ask them to leave. My language is about to get salty. I told her there was no way in hell I was wearing, much less purchasing, a pair of these fucking pants. No. Fucking. Way. This battle lasted a little over a year. The result: We broke up. Not over the pants, of course, but it was certainy part of a much larger character flaw on her part.

    Anyway, I won! I am a man now happy & secure in his bachelorhood. I also don’t own a pair of “classic khaki” pants. I have many pairs of pants, including a few shades of tan/brown. Just not a pair of the most vanilla looking, both literally & figuratively, color of men’s pants ever invented. You know what else I don’t own? Sweat pants. Give me a cargo, khaki, & sweat pants-free life, or give me death. Or eternal bachelorhood. Yeah, the latter, I really don’t want to die over pants