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Soul Starvation

April 24th, 2013 2 Comments

I’m not going to get too deep with you here.  Sometimes I’m just floored by the obvious things I do consciously and choose not to acknowledge those actions.

In this case, I’ve been shutting out music.  To save myself the grief.  To not deal with what’s happened to my life.  To move on and deal with the healing later.  And it’s working pretty well.  I am generally happy.

But it’s not until you’re spinning in a puddle of tears do you realize, “Shit, I’ve got some issues I need to work out.”

Yesterday morning I took Melanie‘s class at SoulCycle on W77.  The songs she chose were provocative and her language dug deep into places I’ve been shutting out for a while. For an instructor to be able to pull that kind of catharsis means either she’s really good and/or you need some soul salvation.  In my case, it’s both.

The tears came when everything I had been hiding from started jumping out at me at one time: I shut out my grief.  I want to dig into myself but I’m scared.  I resent this struggle in New York.  I cherish my memories and hate that I can’t use them for comfort….After some consideration, I realize I’ve been able to do so by starving myself from my music – the songs that have given me so much joy over the past three years.

I know these days will pass and I’ll be home in LA again.  But I think what is really bothering me is that I don’t have a home.  The man I called home locked me out.  If that isn’t hard enough, how can I open myself up to trust another one who appears to welcome me with open arms?

In a way that sunny Lala Land didn’t, New York is obviously challenging me to be introspective and push my limits at the same time.  This time is also allowing me to explore avenues I chose not to venture down in the past and I’m glad to have the opportunity to revisit them.  Meeting new people, being out in the world brings me joy.  New music will come, time to reflect will come as well.  And I will be all the stronger for it.

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  • Melissa

    I bookmarked this a long time ago and go back to it every so often. You put into words what I thought was difficult to articulate. I, too, am going through a rough time and realized how many emotions related to it I wasn’t dealing with. I hope I will be stronger for it too.

    • Big hug to you Melissa. Those are always helpful.

      In fact, I called a friend the other day just for a hug…no shame in asking for support. That’s what friends are for.