Two things happened yesterday:
- A longtime reader recognized Mason and I in Toluca Lake.
- Leven and I caught up on her return to NYC after settling in with the love of her life.
Seemingly, these two occurrences have nothing in common. For me, after only a couple minutes of reflection, they were like headlights pointing straight into my soul.
Barbara, the reader, said she has been a fan of MTM for a long time and makes my recipes often (the granola protein bars specifically). I apologized for not blogging as much lately to which she acknowledged my absence. My heart sank at that moment…It’s a funny thing about a blog, sometimes you feel like you’re sharing experiences with everybody and other times you feel like you’re typing a journal for yourself. These days I have to be honest, I don’t feel like I have a lot of exciting things to write about…And maybe that’s the point: why don’t I find my life exciting? Thankfully, I can answer this question: I miss traveling and exploring new places. However, I’m grateful for the beautiful life I do have at home and should find joy and satisfaction in sharing my simplicities.
Leven, has all of a sudden moved back to New York to be with the love of her life, Jim, an actor. In your 20’s, life is about living on a whim and I couldn’t be happier she can do that. When she spoke about Jim, she glowed and giggled but also showed her serious side. When she articulates her concerns, she’s passionate and decisive in a very mature and practical way. That’s how I know she’s truly in love with him. And from what I can tell by his Facebook page, the feeling is mutual. My heart sank for the second time.
I feel like these encounters should light a fire in my heart not extinguish any flame that was there.
Opportunities for “more” exist on every front in my life. There are so many I think I’m confused about what to grab?? I wouldn’t say I feel defeated, I would say I feel like I don’t know exactly what is going to make me “happy.”
So that’s where I am….neither here nor there. Content and confused. Trying to figure it all out…..and when I look back and reflect on my behavior and choices, I see that I’m not saying “yes” or “no.” Instead I’m just working in the moment. For a type A, strong-willed, passionate woman, that just won’t fly.